Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
