I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
