sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
