She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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