Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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