her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
