the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
