Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
