My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Enjoy the penises
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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