I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
