history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
