I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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