What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i barfeds in our rink
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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