Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
