Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I want her autograph on my taint
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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