This house was built for laser tag.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
