In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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