don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
