haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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