seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
