goodnight i made you a song goodbye
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
