Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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