I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
