my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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