You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
