yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
