oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
