Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
