I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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