my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I deserve this hangover.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
