I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
