TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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