You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
