after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
