Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
