I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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