im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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