the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
where are my eyebrows?
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