My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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