you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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