I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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