i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
