I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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