Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I believe in your delicious
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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