I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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