Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
