There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
