Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
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She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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