Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
