I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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