dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
