two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
