So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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