Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
